Somewhere behind the sound of his three children simultaneously crying, the washing machine running on full agitate, and his wife vacuuming the pet hair out of the living room rug for the third time that day, local man, Brent Allison, could hear the faint sound of what he could only presume was the Super Bowl playing in the distant background. Like a village elder trying to recall a childhood from another era, Brent nostalgically thought back to the times in college he could actually sit back and enjoy a game.
“Back in my day, I could sit on the couch for hours at a time, only getting up and leaving the comforting glow of my television to use the restroom or grab another beer” Brent said, longingly staring off into the distance. “I had it all back then, a game day jersey, rally hat, and a cheese dip recipe that was thick enough to plug a toilet drain. All three of my kids are lactose intolerant, and break out into hives from the smell of the chili sauce I use in my cocktail weenie recipe. My wife is on a health food kick and only wants me to eat vegetables in front of the kids, vegetables,” Brent said, weeping softly into his hands.
Sources close to the Allison family reported a TV watching treaty was reached between parents and children last May, reducing overall TV watching time to just 1 hour a week in favor of “Tuesday Board Game Extravaganza” and “Sunday Afternoon Fun Time Book Club.” “Tuesday Board Game started off okay, but it generally ends in audible sobbing, or one of the kids eating a critical game piece, and book club only exposes the fact that our kids will be met with marginal intelligence in their future.”
As the interview came to a close, a critical fourth quarter drive resulted in a possible game winning field goal opportunity. Brent couldn’t view the TV from the nursery as he changed diapers, but he could feel the play unfold, like a phantom limb of sorts. “I can tell something really exciting is about to happen, but there is nothing I can do about it. After I am done with this diaper change, I still need to clean the van, and finish folding laundry.”