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Sports

Successful Black Businessman Confused For Professional Athlete

Brandon Stangl

Yesterday evening Carl Roberts, CEO of Intratech, was drunkenly mistaken as a professional athlete by a couple at the bar of the valley's latest hotspot. Carl, who was enjoying a particularly nice 2008 Cabernet from Willamette Valley, was rudely interrupted when the couple began their interrogation of where they had seen him “play ball”. “At first I said ‘pardon’ as I thought I had misheard their question, but they continued to ask what teams I played for, insisting they had seen me ‘ball’. To be honest, I was very subpar at sports when I was younger.” Early reports indicate that Mr. Roberts was in fact terrible at sports, but his solid 6’6” frame, ethnicity, and wealth likely contributed to the couple's confusion. 

Witnesses say the Q&A session continued for nearly 15 minutes, until Carl reluctantly folded, admitting to playing defensive end for the Seattle Seahawks. When asked to comment, Carl said, “That shit was both completely and totally racist, and a little flattering at the same time. It made me feel good about the time I’ve spent in spin class this summer.” Sources say the couple picked up Mr. Roberts tab, and concluded the evening by asking for his autograph, thanking him for the 2014 Super Bowl win.