After Sunday’s dominating 5-2 win over the Japanese National Team, the US have officially unlocked the “name change” achievement per FIFA regulations, opting to officially rename the sport to soccer instead of football. The name change goes into effect immediately, causing chaos across the globe as league officials roundup old memorabilia, dictionaries and apparel containing the word football. Officials have been ordered to burn the contraband onsite. Local print shops are maxed out filling requests for new text books, jerseys, and beer cozies. Reports indicate England has been hit the hardest. “3 out of 10 residents of our great country dress in dapper Burberry suits,” said Queen Elizabeth “the other 70% dress exclusively in English Premiere League jerseys. Our nation will be crippled and topless by this decision.”
Mary McDaniel, director of the recently retitled Fédération Internationale de Soccer Association, said “We are just thrilled it was at least the U.S. that won that coveted distinction,” referring to the third World Cup victory by the women's team. “Had the Germans got there first, the sport would be called ‘Hängende Zeh Nagel Geruch Fußball’. What a terribly ugly language."