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Sports

Man Realizes He Is Too Old To Take Shirt Off In Public

Brandon Stangl

Shortly after arriving at Arizona’s hottest new water park, Geoff Miles realized he had suddenly and unexpectedly surpassed the age which he can confidently remove his shirt in public. Pulling off his Blackhawks jersey, Geoff quickly realized he did not put the proper off-season time and energy into his workout routine, and waving off the body hair trim his wife had suggested was a terrible move.

“I did crunches for three days straight prepping for this trip, but now, standing next to all these kids, I look like a fucking monster,” Geoff told reporters.

Geoff, 34, who recently moved to Phoenix from Chicago, told reporters that having to take your shirt off in public is rare in the mid-west. “Maybe after a big Cubbies win, but short of taking a shower, I usually have a sweater on. I don’t even take off my Bulls pullover for sex. My skin has probably seen actual sunlight twice in my lifetime.” 

Witnesses at the park remembered seeing a pasty white figure slowly moving from slide attraction to slide attraction. “It was hard to see what was moving around. His skin was so reflective, it was God damn near blinding,” one woman recalled. “I thought it was the holy fucking ghost,” said another.

After just 25 minutes in the sun, Geoff had to call the afternoon, heading back to the changing area with moderate to severe sunburn covering 89% of his body. When asked if he would be making the waterpark an annual trip Geoff told reports, “The wave pool was fun, but between the horrifying burns, and public humiliation, I am not sure I will be coming back next year.”