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Sports

NHL Recruiters Searching Summer Festival Circuit For Talented, Thick Beards To Join Rosters

Charlie

 

 

After the recent success of the Chicago Blackhawks, and Tampa Bay Lightning’s rally beards during the 2015 playoffs, scouts are frantically scouring the indie rock festival circuit for talented young facial hair to join the 2016 NHL draft class. “We expect to see a large flood of young beards joining our league this next season” said Sergei Lyanko, director of player operations for the NHL. “Teams are really focused on full thick stubble, that has great potential to grow in thick for playoff time.”

Sources near Tampa Bay’s front office reported the baby-faced defensemen Anthony D’angelo was the first of many cuts immediately following the 2-4 lose to the Blackhawks. “Tony’s beard was a little wiry, like something my 12-year-old nephew would grow,” said Head Coach George Gwozdecky. “It’s simple math. Every team since the ’80 NY Islanders to win a Stanley Cup has represented the playoff beard. We used to get these guys out of Russia, but the best young talent these days for beards are coming out of Bonnaroo and Coachella.”

Sources close to the league have indicated the player’s union is pushing back, claiming discrimination against those that are follicley challenged. The director refused to comment on these recent allegations along with rumors of a class action lawsuit from representatives of the goatees and soul patch players union.