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Cutler Vows To Spend Off Season Improving Pout Face

Brandon Stangl

Refusing to let his inability to play get in his way, Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler, has told this local reporter he will spend his entire off season neglecting his physical abilities and continue to steadily decline in overall preparation and skill for the foreseeable future, working exclusively on his pout face for the upcoming 2016 season. 

Already known for his general lack of enthusiasm on the sideline, Cutler and his agent have decided to work with local improve group, Second City, to help bring his pout face game to the next level. “We think he has the potential to be the best in the conference for sure,” said Arty Gould, Cutler’s agent. “The sky’s the limit with this kind of talent. His raw pouty attitude rivals the youngest, and most irritable of small children. It’s really remarkable.” 

Husband Recalls Time He Could Actually Watch The Big Game

Brandon Stangl

 Despite not being able to watch the Big Game, Brent Allison, can still sense something exciting is about to happen. 

Despite not being able to watch the Big Game, Brent Allison, can still sense something exciting is about to happen. 

Somewhere behind the sound of his three children simultaneously crying, the washing machine running on full agitate, and his wife vacuuming the pet hair out of the living room rug for the third time that day, local man, Brent Allison, could hear the faint sound of what he could only presume was the Super Bowl playing in the distant background. Like a village elder trying to recall a childhood from another era, Brent nostalgically thought back to the times in college he could actually sit back and enjoy a game.

“Back in my day, I could sit on the couch for hours at a time, only getting up and leaving the comforting glow of my television to use the restroom or grab another beer” Brent said, longingly staring off into the distance. “I had it all back then, a game day jersey, rally hat, and a cheese dip recipe that was thick enough to plug a toilet drain. All three of my kids are lactose intolerant, and break out into hives from the smell of the chili sauce I use in my cocktail weenie recipe. My wife is on a health food kick and only wants me to eat vegetables in front of the kids, vegetables,” Brent said, weeping softly into his hands.

Sources close to the Allison family reported a TV watching treaty was reached between parents and children last May, reducing overall TV watching time to just 1 hour a week in favor of “Tuesday Board Game Extravaganza” and “Sunday Afternoon Fun Time Book Club.” “Tuesday Board Game started off okay, but it generally ends in audible sobbing, or one of the kids eating a critical game piece, and book club only exposes the fact that our kids will be met with marginal intelligence in their future.”

As the interview came to a close, a critical fourth quarter drive resulted in a possible game winning field goal opportunity. Brent couldn’t view the TV from the nursery as he changed diapers, but he could feel the play unfold, like a phantom limb of sorts. “I can tell something really exciting is about to happen, but there is nothing I can do about it. After I am done with this diaper change, I still need to clean the van, and finish folding laundry.”    

Bids Fly Over Cherry ’92 Ford Taurus At Barrett Jackson This Weekend

Brandon Stangl

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    The room was electric as Joseph Andrews rolled his mint 1992 Ford Taurus onto the auction block Friday evening.

The room was electric as Joseph Andrews rolled his mint 1992 Ford Taurus onto the auction block Friday evening.

Late Friday evening, as the 2016 Barrett Jackson auction approached it’s final offering of the day, the crowd rose with excitement as Joseph Andrews rolled his mint 1992 Ford Taurus onto the auction block. “The room was literally electric,” said 14-year auction veteran Fred Johnson, “the crowd was buzzing the second Mr. Andrews revved up the stock 2.5 liter, four cylinder engine.” Exotic car expert and collector James Duvall weighed in on what makes a project like this so exciting. “With a showpiece like this, it’s all about the details. We are looking for a few things authentic to the era, specifically body panel misalignment, defective rear window actuators, and rattles in both the heat sink and muffler. If these details are missed, the value is dramatically reduced, but Mr. Andrew’s build is spot on.”

When asked what inspired the choices he made in the restoration, Mr. Andrews looked off into the distance and said, “It’s all about the history. This [the 90’s] is an era in American automotive design that will never be forgotten. This project was about paying homage to the craftsmen, and design teams responsible for what is arguably the quintessential car of its time.”  

With no reserve set, the Taurus rolled out in front of a crowd of thousands. The bidding started fast and hard, but eventually settled. The Taurus all said and done, set a record for mid-90 Sedans at a staggering $3700. “A lot of people don’t understand that these cars are collectables, and a real investment,” said auction winner Tim Gunther. “I might be out $3700 now, but this dream ride could easily see 38, maybe $3900 in another decade with the right care.”  

Backup Quarterback Reveals True Passion Is Scrapbooking

Brandon Stangl

During the post game interview Sunday evening Patriots backup quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo, revealed his true passion is capturing the team’s best moments into handmade scrapbooks. “I’ve been a paper scrapper since I was 11. I’ve been addicted for more than a decade now,” Garoppolo said. “I tried digital scrapping in 2011 after looking through a Simply Simple Scrapbooks special edition mag about digital techniques, but I’m a paper scrapbooker at heart. Paper is the jet fuel that pumps through my veins.”

When asked about his process for completing a page Garoppolo went on to explain, “Usually I have a few pictures in mind when I start my design process. The page starts to speak to me, and tells me how to best showcase pictures in a visually pleasing way that connects emotionally. My favorite page this year is when Tommy first arrived back a training camp,” Garoppolo said with smile and a tiny glimmer in his eyes.

Though Belichick declined to comment on the subject, reports from personnel inside the locker room  indicate the coach sets aside 30 minutes at the end of each practice to just sit back and flip through the pages with the team, reminiscing and laughing about all the fun times they’ve shared.  


Successful Black Businessman Confused For Professional Athlete

Brandon Stangl

Yesterday evening Carl Roberts, CEO of Intratech, was drunkenly mistaken as a professional athlete by a couple at the bar of the valley's latest hotspot. Carl, who was enjoying a particularly nice 2008 Cabernet from Willamette Valley, was rudely interrupted when the couple began their interrogation of where they had seen him “play ball”. “At first I said ‘pardon’ as I thought I had misheard their question, but they continued to ask what teams I played for, insisting they had seen me ‘ball’. To be honest, I was very subpar at sports when I was younger.” Early reports indicate that Mr. Roberts was in fact terrible at sports, but his solid 6’6” frame, ethnicity, and wealth likely contributed to the couple's confusion. 

Witnesses say the Q&A session continued for nearly 15 minutes, until Carl reluctantly folded, admitting to playing defensive end for the Seattle Seahawks. When asked to comment, Carl said, “That shit was both completely and totally racist, and a little flattering at the same time. It made me feel good about the time I’ve spent in spin class this summer.” Sources say the couple picked up Mr. Roberts tab, and concluded the evening by asking for his autograph, thanking him for the 2014 Super Bowl win.


NHL Recruiters Searching Summer Festival Circuit For Talented, Thick Beards To Join Rosters




After the recent success of the Chicago Blackhawks, and Tampa Bay Lightning’s rally beards during the 2015 playoffs, scouts are frantically scouring the indie rock festival circuit for talented young facial hair to join the 2016 NHL draft class. “We expect to see a large flood of young beards joining our league this next season” said Sergei Lyanko, director of player operations for the NHL. “Teams are really focused on full thick stubble, that has great potential to grow in thick for playoff time.”

Sources near Tampa Bay’s front office reported the baby-faced defensemen Anthony D’angelo was the first of many cuts immediately following the 2-4 lose to the Blackhawks. “Tony’s beard was a little wiry, like something my 12-year-old nephew would grow,” said Head Coach George Gwozdecky. “It’s simple math. Every team since the ’80 NY Islanders to win a Stanley Cup has represented the playoff beard. We used to get these guys out of Russia, but the best young talent these days for beards are coming out of Bonnaroo and Coachella.”

Sources close to the league have indicated the player’s union is pushing back, claiming discrimination against those that are follicley challenged. The director refused to comment on these recent allegations along with rumors of a class action lawsuit from representatives of the goatees and soul patch players union.

Man Realizes He Is Too Old To Take Shirt Off In Public

Brandon Stangl

Shortly after arriving at Arizona’s hottest new water park, Geoff Miles realized he had suddenly and unexpectedly surpassed the age which he can confidently remove his shirt in public. Pulling off his Blackhawks jersey, Geoff quickly realized he did not put the proper off-season time and energy into his workout routine, and waving off the body hair trim his wife had suggested was a terrible move.

“I did crunches for three days straight prepping for this trip, but now, standing next to all these kids, I look like a fucking monster,” Geoff told reporters.

Geoff, 34, who recently moved to Phoenix from Chicago, told reporters that having to take your shirt off in public is rare in the mid-west. “Maybe after a big Cubbies win, but short of taking a shower, I usually have a sweater on. I don’t even take off my Bulls pullover for sex. My skin has probably seen actual sunlight twice in my lifetime.” 

Witnesses at the park remembered seeing a pasty white figure slowly moving from slide attraction to slide attraction. “It was hard to see what was moving around. His skin was so reflective, it was God damn near blinding,” one woman recalled. “I thought it was the holy fucking ghost,” said another.

After just 25 minutes in the sun, Geoff had to call the afternoon, heading back to the changing area with moderate to severe sunburn covering 89% of his body. When asked if he would be making the waterpark an annual trip Geoff told reports, “The wave pool was fun, but between the horrifying burns, and public humiliation, I am not sure I will be coming back next year.”

FIFA Renamed: US Victory Forces Name Change To “Fédération Internationale de Soccer Association”

Brandon Stangl

After Sunday’s dominating 5-2 win over the Japanese National Team, the US have officially unlocked the “name change” achievement per FIFA regulations, opting to officially rename the sport to soccer instead of football. The name change goes into effect immediately, causing chaos across the globe as league officials roundup old memorabilia, dictionaries and apparel containing the word football. Officials have been ordered to burn the contraband onsite. Local print shops are maxed out filling requests for new text books, jerseys, and beer cozies. Reports indicate England has been hit the hardest. “3 out of 10 residents of our great country dress in dapper Burberry suits,” said Queen Elizabeth “the other 70% dress exclusively in English Premiere League jerseys. Our nation will be crippled and topless by this decision.”  

Mary McDaniel, director of the recently retitled Fédération Internationale de Soccer Association, said “We are just thrilled it was at least the U.S. that won that coveted distinction,” referring to the third World Cup victory by the women's team. “Had the Germans got there first, the sport would be called ‘Hängende Zeh Nagel Geruch Fußball’. What a terribly ugly language."

Morris Twin(S) Traded – Front Office Not Clear Which One Goes Where

Brandon Stangl

Earlier this week the Phoenix Suns relieved nearly $8.5 million in salary space by trading one of the Morris twins Marcus, and/or Markieff. League officials are sorting out the details of the trade, but those close to the office say they are embarrassed to ask who is who, since they have known the twins for nearly two years now, and still can't tell them apart. “It gets really confusing in the off season,” said General Manager Ryan McDonough. “During regulation games and practice we make them wear jerseys with their names on it, but during the off season, they wear whatever the fuck they want, and we just have no clue who we are talking to.”

After a lack luster season complaining about officiating and fan participation, the Suns finally had enough of the twins. Needing to clear more salary space to entertain free agency deals, the Suns listened to offers all over the NBA settling on sending one of them to Detroit for a second round draft pick in 2020. “We are really happy to pick up this kind of talent,” said Pistons Head Coach Stan Van Gundy. “I’m not sure which brother they are sending, but there numbers look as identical as their tattoos.” 

When asked to comment one of the Morris brothers said "I am not sure if I need to pack up my things or not. We both have hired movers until we figure out who goes where."

STUDY: 87% of Baseball Fans Just There To Play Hooky From Work

Brandon Stangl

A new report from the American Institute Of Baseball Statistics found that 87% of baseball fans are only there to play hooky from work, 10% there to save on air conditioning costs during the summer months, and 3% were offered free tickets from their brother-in-laws. The research was conducted over a 3-year period, with over 50 million participants. 

Kid Fucking Drilled By Pitch: Dad Proud Son Was Finally Able To Contribute To Team

Brandon Stangl



After watching 9 innings of pathetic intramural baseball from his son, valley father was ecstatic to see his boy, Timothy Miller, get on base after getting fucking drilled by the opposing pitcher. The 12-year-old was awarded the Golden Sombrero earlier in the 7th inning when he was struck out for the fourth consecutive at bat. “Holy shit you stink” and “get that fucking kid back to tee ball” were just some of the commentary overheard from the hostile bleacher section.

When asked to comment, Coach Phillips said “I coach 8 year olds with better swing fundamentals than him. I honestly feel bad for those bastards [the boy’s parents] for having to shell out money for this kind of punishment.”

At press time, the father recalled the moment he knew the pitcher lost control of the ball. “I think the pitcher was trying out a backdoor breaking ball which under normal circumstances, would have left my boy scratching his head. It is unseasonably humid today, I think that factored in. I saw the pitch slip from his fingertips, and lock onto my son’s helmet. My boy was busy checking the crease in his pants, never saw the thing coming.” 

After a mild applause from the bleachers, young Timothy made his way to first, bringing his on base average to 0.001. With little base running experience though, he was soon thrown out after an ill advised attempt to steal second.