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News

Scientist Discovers Link Between Health Food And Things That Taste Like Shit

Brandon Stangl

Intern scientist poses for photo after putting her lunch in a beaker like a total dip shit.

Intern scientist poses for photo after putting her lunch in a beaker like a total dip shit.

Late one evening after suffering through some truly painful tasting kale chips his wife had baked, Dr. Harrington had an epiphany. “My wife and I had gotten into a health food kick, and after only a few weeks of veggie burgers, kale salads, and whatever the fuck quinoa is, it dawned on me. Health food tastes like shit.” Dr. Harrington, who is Associate Professor of Biochemistry at Texas A&M, decided that evening it was time to put his theory to test. After a quick stop by Sprouts and Trader Joes, Dr. Harrington arrived on campus with enough vegan lasagna and tofu to begin his field study with over 500 participants.

“The methodology was fairly straight forward,” said Harrington’s assistant, Joe Rothman. “We took a random sampling of the student population and feed them health food that we selected from the local co-ops. We then feed them dishes with delicious-delicious red meat, cheese, and bacon fat and asked them to describe each. The results from the study were astonishing.”

Of the 500 participants, 93% agreed that health food, in fact, tasted like shit. Those 465 participants used the word ‘shit’ exactly, without any help or prompting from the researchers. “We did find a strong correlation between the 7% that enjoyed the taste of health food and Bikram Yoga,” explained Dr. Harrington. “We think there is more research needed on what causes these delusions, but we are satisfied with our results to date.”

The National Association of Health Food issued this statement when presented with the doctor’s finding. “The jury is still out on the authenticity of this research,” said NAHF director, Lauren Daniels said, while leaving her yoga studio. “I myself have tasted the samples from this experiment, and I think the tofu falafel tasted excellent.”