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News

Community Rallies Behind Man As He Hits 300th Consecutive Day Without Washing Vehicle

Brandon Stangl

Brian Douglas received generous support Saturday from his neighbors as he embarked on his 300th consecutive day without washing his vehicle. 

Brian Douglas received generous support Saturday from his neighbors as he embarked on his 300th consecutive day without washing his vehicle. 

As Brian Douglas approached main street Saturday evening in his 2003 Subaru Forester, he was greeted with a roar of applause and cheers from his neighbors and other community members, congratulating him on his 300th consecutive day without washing his vehicle. Decked out with bedazzled shirts, and hats, the women of Brian’s church group chanted “Hell no, we don’t waste H2o” as he slowly made his way up the street.

Community support began to swell around day 245. Community Watch liaison, Margaret Olsen, first noticed the unprecedented stretch of grim collecting on Brian’s vehicle back in November. “At first we thought it was just a fluke. Brian recently started a new job, so we thought he was maybe just behind on his chores, but around day 260, we started to think, you know, maybe he can go all the way with this.” Margaret quickly reached out to Brian’s friends and family, and soon, there was support all over their small town to keep Brian’s stretch going. “The church organized a sign painting party, and the PTA even organized a bake sale, from there everyone just came together in support of Brian’s cause.” 

When asked to comment later that evening, Mr. Douglas was still at a loss for words. “It, it was really nothing,” Brian said, “I kinda just forgot to wash my car one weekend, and one thing lead to another and here I am. I am hoping to make it through the end of spring, God willing.”  

Coworker Really Goes Balls Out With Quarterly Sales Presentation

Brandon Stangl

Bradley Haney, associate sales director for west coast regional distribution, drops some serious fucking knowledge on his coworkers during his Q4 review last Friday.  

Bradley Haney, associate sales director for west coast regional distribution, drops some serious fucking knowledge on his coworkers during his Q4 review last Friday.  

After hitting the management team with a jaw dropping PowerPoint presentation which could only be described as a full-scale attack on the senses, Bradley Haney, associate sales director for west coast regional distribution, went for the kill when he pulled out the white board and dry erase markers during his quarterly sales review, and began free styling pie charts at will. Team lead, Cheryl Mitz, was seen staggering from Conference Room 2 upon the conclusion of Bradley’s Q4 review. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was a whirlwind in there. Concise slides, surprising transition animations, and font choices that kept you on the edge of your seat. Then, out of nowhere, he started laying down knowledge on the white board. Incredible.”

Witnesses around the office reported seeing Bradley in the fucking zone when he arrived nearly 45 minutes earlier than normal. “I could tell he was going balls out with his PowerPoint when I walked past his desk this morning,” said Tony Tabor, engineering lead. “On one screen he was pulling together crazy sales data from excel, and on the other dropping clip art from the web like a mad man.”

When asked to comment after his triumphant finale, which included a slide with a large question mark illustration to indicate it was time for questions, Bradley simply looked up to the water stained ceiling tiles above, shook his finger into the air and said “I’ve just got to thank the Man upstairs.” After the meeting, the office staff immediately contacted the cleaning crew and instructed them not to touch the white boards this week, or any in the future. Sources close to management indicate Conference Room 2 is now in plans to be converted to a memorial.

 

School Budget Slashed: Paris Trip Cut Back To Paris-Paris Trip

Charlie

After months of planning and preparation Mrs. Rodriguez, Reno High School’s ninth grade French instructor, was disappointed to learn that the budget appropriated to help fund the student study abroad program was drastically slashed after an overwhelming majority vote from the district school board on Friday. The board, who has been notoriously conservative in recent years on items relating to extracurricular activities, areas of enrichment, or education, thought the money was better placed in repainting the school’s parking lots. 

“The kids were so excited to see Paris,” said Mrs. Rodriquez. ‘It would have really disappointed me to have had to break it to them. That’s why we decided to take them to Paris-Paris instead. Our social studies and geography courses are incredibly subpar. The kids have literally no idea how far away France is.”

With permission slips already signed and approved by administration, Mrs. Rodriquez loaded the students into the district bus, instructing the driver to circle the Nevadan desert for hours, before finally making a beeline to the Vegas strip. “I occasionally got on the radio and made announcements for our air speed and altitude, but what really got them was the plane noises I made as we banked through corners,” said senior district bus driver James Ruan. “These kids are special kind of gullible.”  

At press time, parents of the children were excited the trip remained on schedule. When asked if they were concerned the kids were not getting the same education value out of Paris-Paris, as Paris, most parents agreed their kids offered little in hope for a bright future. “I’m just glad my son is out of the fucking house,” explained one ecstatic father. “Paris-Paris has got more shit to see than that other Froggy ass version anyways,” said another. The parents unanimously agreed that getting an opportunity to see the intricate detail and history of the Bellagio far outweighed that of the Louvre.

Parisian Billionaire Enjoys Rooftop Champagne With Hot Wife: But Is He Happy?

Charlie

While enjoying what has been described as the most stunning weather the south of France has ever seen, billionaire playboy Pierre Jean-Michele set down his glass of ’98 Krug Clos d’Ambonnay, and pondered whether he is truly happy. As he took in a deep breath, simultaneously smelling the sweet scent of sea breeze, his hot model wife’s delicate Chanel N°5 Parfum Grand Extrait, and the diamond filtered water pumping through his rooftop Jacuzzi, Pierre momentarily thought, maybe there is more to life. “Was I missing out on something?” Pierre asked reporters. “I mean, I ran a successful Fortune 500 company, sold it for 5 billion, eradicated dracunculiasis from Africa, had three beautiful, successful children, and now I collect art and travel the world. But, with all that, am I really happy?”

Pierre’s thought was suddenly interrupted by the low buzzing sound of what would later be described by witnesses as unmanned drones delivering In-N-Out burgers to Pierre's hot tub.

With no further personal inflection needed, Pierre decided he was in fact, truly happy.

Scientist Discovers Link Between Health Food And Things That Taste Like Shit

Brandon Stangl

Intern scientist poses for photo after putting her lunch in a beaker like a total dip shit.

Intern scientist poses for photo after putting her lunch in a beaker like a total dip shit.

Late one evening after suffering through some truly painful tasting kale chips his wife had baked, Dr. Harrington had an epiphany. “My wife and I had gotten into a health food kick, and after only a few weeks of veggie burgers, kale salads, and whatever the fuck quinoa is, it dawned on me. Health food tastes like shit.” Dr. Harrington, who is Associate Professor of Biochemistry at Texas A&M, decided that evening it was time to put his theory to test. After a quick stop by Sprouts and Trader Joes, Dr. Harrington arrived on campus with enough vegan lasagna and tofu to begin his field study with over 500 participants.

“The methodology was fairly straight forward,” said Harrington’s assistant, Joe Rothman. “We took a random sampling of the student population and feed them health food that we selected from the local co-ops. We then feed them dishes with delicious-delicious red meat, cheese, and bacon fat and asked them to describe each. The results from the study were astonishing.”

Of the 500 participants, 93% agreed that health food, in fact, tasted like shit. Those 465 participants used the word ‘shit’ exactly, without any help or prompting from the researchers. “We did find a strong correlation between the 7% that enjoyed the taste of health food and Bikram Yoga,” explained Dr. Harrington. “We think there is more research needed on what causes these delusions, but we are satisfied with our results to date.”

The National Association of Health Food issued this statement when presented with the doctor’s finding. “The jury is still out on the authenticity of this research,” said NAHF director, Lauren Daniels said, while leaving her yoga studio. “I myself have tasted the samples from this experiment, and I think the tofu falafel tasted excellent.”

Health: Finding The Perfect Instagram Image May Cause Anxiety

Brandon Stangl

Sources reported Friday that local woman Lisa Sheppard, buckled under the pressure of choosing the best filter and image combination to post to her Instagram account @crafty_queen. Lisa reportedly dressed her two-year-old son in some really cutesy shit that she bought off Etsy, after getting completely and totally inspired by a recent pin on Pinterest. “I put the camera setting on burst to make sure I captured the moment perfectly,” Lisa said. “The problem came when trying to choose between the 450 image and filter combinations. Somewhere between the Ludwig and Slumber filter settings I felt light-headed and unable to focus.” Lisa was reportedly unable to edit the exposure and the crop, which caused a real lack of “pop” when viewed in the newsfeed. “The resulting image received almost no likes,” Lisa said. Early data indicates a diminished amount of likes from family members she rarely sees, and old classmates she tries desperately to impress. The National Bureau of Online Health reports nearly 5,000 cases a week of women and men between the ages of 18-35. They warn of heightened levels of anxiety predominantly among new mothers, and those learning how to cook fancy ass food. 

Man Realizes Weed Is Not The Same As “Back In His Day”

Brandon Stangl

Early Saturday morning, 49 year-old Program Manager, Harry Fields, was found passed out in his apartment lobby. Mr. Fields reportedly got adventurous after a night out with his younger, hipper team members. Following several after work cocktails, Harry’s team talked him into joining them for a stop by El Kush Clone Bar and Dispensary. Harry, wanting desperately to fit in, agreed saying, “I’ve smoked a joint or two back in my day,” referring to the one time in 1992, he shared a joint stuffed with dried shwag with his college roommate. “I was mainly surprised by all the options,” Harry said, recalling the dispensary. “I thought there was only one pot and was pleasantly surprised to be able to choose between the different types of pot.” 

Harry was talked into ordering a handful of edibles, and 10 grams of Mango Choco Loco, that sources say is a hybrid strain with a distinct kush flavor, pine aftertaste, and a THC content of 16%. “The last thing I remember was taking my first hit of the marijuana. Next thing I know, I was waking up in the lobby, covered in Cheetos crumbs.”

When asked to comment, Harry’s coworker Mitch Jones said, “Harry really couldn’t keep his shit together. First he was giggling, then he was crying, then he thought his feet were glued to the fucking ground for eternity. It got real weird.” When asked if Harry would be joining the team members for after work drinks in the future, both parties said no, claiming the split was amicably.

Local Farmer Market Attracts Plenty Of Bruised Organic Fruit Options

Brandon Stangl

Early saturday morning, valley farmers and organic food enthusiasts came together to offer up their all natural bruised fruit, and sad looking vegetable options. One critic said, leaving the market, “I have literally never seen smaller strawberries in my life. I was really hoping to pick up enough produce to make a salad, but the cucumbers were the only think that resembled a vegetable in the group.” President of the Local Farmer Market Association Elsa González said, “If you are looking for quality and quantity, then feel free to visit your local super store, but don’t be surprised if that food is ripe with more than just delicious, healthy looking fruits and vegetable. I’m talking about GMO’s.”

The LFMA prides themselves on growing produce naturally. “I grow my produce in repurposed tires in the back of my townhome,” Elsa said. “My produce is free from harmful chemicals and is grown like God intended. We even allow feral cats to dig in the tires to help turn the soil and naturally fertilize the plants.”

The market is open once a month between 8-8:30, or as long as produce is available.  

Man Quietly Seethes As Neighbor's Dog Barks

Brandon Stangl

Trying to enjoy one of the few opportunities to have a nice cup of coffee on his back patio, local man Derrick Thiel instead quietly seethed as his neighbor’s dog barked incessantly. Unable to tune out the obnoxious sound of the yippy Chihuahua next door, Derrick was forced to lay his head into his hands and gently rock back and forth in his chair, hoping to push the anger deep down into his body, where it would prevent him from climbing over the neighbor’s oleanders and killing the dog. “It is so rare the weather is good, and I have an extra 20 minutes before having to rush out the door to work,” Derrick stated. “This was literally the only opportunity I had all month to soak in life for a moment, and now it is gone.” When asked to comment, Derrick’s neighbors had no idea what the fuss was about. “My dog doesn’t bark, I would know, I bet it’s his goddamn dog,” said Alison Roberts. When confronted with the knowledge that it was in fact her dog that barks all day, as it is the only one on the entire street, she denied it vehemently. “It’s not Fiffy, I would know. People need to learn to mind their own damn business.” Promptly after completing the interview, Mrs. Roberts placed Fiffy back in the yard where it smelled the tears of its sullen neighbor, and continued to bark. 

Apple, Walmart Pull Confederate Flag. Hanes Pull Hitler Moustaches and Wife Beaters.

Mac

With rising tension over the use of the confederate flag, companies from Walmart to Apple are pulling products that make use of the racial symbols. “We have taken steps to remove all items promoting the flag,” said Walmart spokesman Bill Wallace. "Our most popular items online are confederate themed lynching rope, gun racks, and Klan Regalia.  Whether these items are symbols of hate, or just good ol’ boy southern values has been yet to be decided. But our policy is to not offend anyone with our products.”

A spokesperson for Apple said told reporters the company would remove all Civil War era games and references from the App Store, along with Lynyrd Skynrd albums, and the completely unrelated “Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole. “Our stock prices are through the roof. We don’t want to touch this with a ten-foot pole, so we are pulling anything from our catalogs that sounds like confederate," said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

Hanes has also joined the conversation by pulling their wife beaters and plain white briefs from store shelves. Early numbers indicate 97% of bigots and toothless southerners wear these two articles of clothing exclusively while yelling racist shit from their dilapidated front porches. “We anticipate a large hit late Q2 because of this move,” said Hanes spokesperson Rylan Jennings. Hanes has also gone as far as editing the racially insensitive Hitler moustache from their Michael Jordan series of Comfort Fit commercials. 

Comparing Online: Local Man Spends Hours Shopping, Buys Nothing

Charlie

After spending 4 hours Saturday evening comparing specifications and pricing on Amazon for a new set of headphones, local man Robert Allen closes his web browser without buying anything. After reading through 754 customer reviews, and creating a pro/con worksheet in Excel, Robert was still unable to choose between the Sony model MDF1000 for $28.99 or the Panasonic model AVD1000 priced comparably at $29.95. “The models specs are very similar, but I can’t help but think the cheaper Sony model is a better value” Robert explained. “It worries me to read the horror stories from some of the 1 and 2 star reviews on both models. Despite Amazon’s respectable return policy, I am so distraught over having to make a decision, I think it is best I wait it out.”

Consumer Beware: Strict Return Policies On Infants

Mac

Calling the hospital after several restless nights in a row, new Dad Timothy Sanders, was shocked to find out there is a strict, no-return policy on newborn babies. “My wife and I thought we were ready for the restless nights. We were ASU grads, so we spent most of our undergrad playing beer pong until dawn. But this baby thing, this is different.” Tim went on to explain, “He screams, and pees, and eats incessantly. If he were any other roommate, we would have kicked him out already.”

When asked for a statement, Dr. James Curran from Banner Good Samaritan Hospital stated, “Infant re-uterization is a complex and expensive procedure, with no guarantee of the baby being able to fit back in. It is made very clear when patients first arrive, that once we deliver the baby, it is theirs.” Dr. James Curran went on to explain, “infants are very similar to baby birds. Once you touch one, and leave your scent, all others will reject them. This is the main reason we stand behind our policy. No other mother’s would be able to take the baby at this point.”

The Better Business Bureau reportedly receives hundreds of similar claims a month but feel this is a buyer beware situation. A representative from the BBB when asked to comment stated, “Companies like this often put things in fine print. You must educate yourself as a consumer before making these decisions.” The Sanders, with no other options, will take the infant to Craigslist, or Ebay. “I am hoping to get at least 75% the value I already put in, but I may be willing to trade for a motorcycle.” 

Comicon 2015: Unskilled Costume Makers Go Home Disappointed

Charlie

An area man arrives home to his apartment Thursday evening, disappointed he received zero head nods or high fives for the massive monetary and time investment he made in this years Comicon costume. After spending nearly 6 months converting his once cherry ’97 Firebird into a F-Wing fighter complete with R2D2 and Star Wars themed paint, Dennis Albert received not a single comment from spectators. Patrons of the event noted a vehicle double parked out front, with what some described as “many unskilled hours put into the construction” but no one asked for a ride, or to get a picture taken with Mr. Albert.

Dennis was not the only disappointed Comicon participant found sulking after the first day. One attendee, who wished to remain nameless, also felt disappointed in the lack of response to his overly obscure choice of costume this year. “I call the character Tenta, for the many tentacles he has, though the credits of the anime he appears in do not reveal his true name.” Tenta was constructed using loose parts from the back of his local Home Depot, including duct tape, and discarded shop towels. “He is best known for his appearance in the octopus rape scene in the Japanese film ‘Tako No, FukuShuu III’.” Witnesses recall seeing a man with PVC tubing duct taped and hanging from his limps, but no one was able to make the connection. “I thought he was either going for Dr. Octavius from Spider Man, or had suffered some major head injury in the past. His costume was really fucking terrible,” one Comicon participant said.  

When the men were asked about their possible participation in next year’s Comicon, the both agreed it would be easiest to go as Storm Troopers next year.